I'm 42, and I Was SO Scared...

I have been going back and forth in my mind for weeks about whether to write about the experience that will be shared in this post.  It was a hyper-personal moment.  It was extraordinarily frightening.  It filled my heart with a happy I haven't felt in a long time.  And I think this is a moment to be shared, as it might be helpful to others.

I finally came out to my students as gay.

It was a Saturday.  I spent the day with a former student that still remains a big part of my life.  He is more like a mentee, a surrogate son, a young man who made me a better teacher, and he still stays in regular contact with me as he and I have both continued our learning journey in life.  We just finished our day at Comic Con.  We were starving, so we headed to his favorite spot, Chipotle.

After we had our bowls of deliciousness in hand, I just did a mental countdown, and jumped in, head-first.  "[MH], you remember when we went to the Maker Faire and on the train you guys tried to get me to hit on that random female passenger, and I kinda freaked out and froze?  We need to have a real talk about that."  I started fumbling through a bad metaphor using Modern Family, saying I'm more like a Cam/Mitchell dad to him than a Jay, but the look on his face was one of confusion.  So I just said it, "I'm gay.  Did you know that or suspect that?"

Holy &$%#!  I said it!

In that moment, my face was burning, my heart thumping, my stomach churning.  I had no idea what to expect from him.  Would he hate me?  Would he get up and just walk out?  Would he not care?  Why did I do this?  

For those who don't have to go through this feeling, it's not a fun one.  You never know how accepted you will be.  I did this years ago with my friends and my family.  And here I was, 42 years old, and feeling as vulnerable, nervous, anxious, and nauseous as I was when I was a much younger man.

This is never easy.  And after all these thoughts and feelings rushed over, feeling like an eternity of silence had passed, knowing that it was only a split-second, I had to get a response.  "Please don't be one of those guys that hates me for being gay."

"Not at all, Glover.  I had no idea, but it doesn't change anything.  You know, at first I wondered if you were joking, but I saw how red your face was, and I knew you were serious.  So many things make sense now..."  

And so the conversation began.  We talked for a long time.  I shared stories of how hard it was to grow up being gay and having to hide who I was.  I shared other coming out stories from my life.  We talked about my teaching and being closeted.  I shared my feelings from an older post about coming to terms with keeping that part of me hidden from students.  

He was not only accepting, but very reflective.  "Glover, today was the right time to share it.  We [my students] weren't ready to hear it back then.  And you obviously weren't ready to share.  This was the right time - for you and for me."

I worried about the other guys from #MyCrew and how they might react.  These guys were all close with me and often join [MH] and I on various adventures around the city, from Maker Faire to Saturday meetups for learning Arduino and Raspberry Pi building and coding.  But how would they take the news?  

I traveled home from Comic Con riding the high of an amazing conversation with [MH].  While on the train, one of #MyCrew tried calling me, but I couldn't get the call on the train.  I told him I would text him later, but I didn't know what to expect.  I knew that [MH] told them all.  Now the fear was back, again.  How would they all react?

I walked home quickly, hoping to get through the waiting texts that I kept feeling buzz my pocket like ripping off a bandage.  Read the good and the bad, figure out how to reconnect, as needed.  But their words caught me off guard:

• Glover, so far this is everyone that knows but we still love you like family no matter what
• Glover, we will never judge you, you're still part of our family, you made all of us so happy telling us this it shows we're at a point in life, we don't judge our family, we all love you
• Glover, what you prefer doesn't make you any different, you're still a great human being and a magnificent teacher, we love you Glover
• We're so happy you can open up to us, I told you none us will ever judge or stop talking to you, can't see a world where we do that
• Glover, it's all love, this doesn't change anything, you're still like a father to us.  You're family to us and no matter what we will always have your back.  Like he said Glover, we don't judge family.
• :::arm flexing emoji x2::: 
• We still love you and always will
• I'm really proud of you and you showing the amazing person that you truly are, I will always support you no matter what, we love you and always will.

I am in awe of their kindness and how much these young men have grown since I first met and taught them.  I haven't had a happy moment like the moment I read their messages.  

Coming out is one of the scariest moments of my life, then and now, and these young men accepted me with grace and love.   I could not ask for anything more.

• I love you all, too. 
• You made me prouder than I have ever been.
• I will never judge you.
• I have your back, always.