Why Did I Stay Quiet For So Long?

I have been wrestling with an issue for some time lately.  I never was open about being gay when I was a teacher.

I visited a school today that was celebrating their work for creating school-wide structures that affirm student identities.  Today's lens was focused on LGBTQ students.  A staff member at the school shared his story about being openly gay in his school community and how much that helped students feel comfortable coming to him to talk and for guidance.  

I was particularly struck listening to young people have a student-led, student-created discussion around Hot Topics on their mind.  They were well-spoken:

• Topic of Girls-only Softball Team:  "Sports are not about gender, it's about who can make the shot."
• Topic of Mental Health for Students:  "It's not that I'm trying to get out of [class]work; I'm trying to survive."

A young male student shared a story about breaking down during a test because he didn't know the answers to many of the questions.  He said he broke down thinking about how he was letting down his family and ruining his chances for college.  Another young male begged for more mental health support from the Dept of Ed central office personnel that were there visiting saying, "This year, more than ever, I'm losing it.  I'm in a downward spiral.  I need help." 

Luckily, the help they needed was right in that room, in that safe space, where he had school-based counselors and teachers, GSA allies, along with many others of us from around the city ready to help them all make sense of the stresses of high school.

But I have been reflecting on my own practice, as well.  My years as a teacher.  I was always connected to GLSEN and used their Safe Space Kit in my classroom to create a space where LGBTQ students could learn without derogatory comments or harassment of any kind.  While I was an ally, I was never an Out Ally.  I was of the mindset that they didn't need to worry about my personal life -- the school, the learning, and the space was about them.  

Now I have to ask myself:  How many students needed a deeper connection to one adult like them?  How many needed to know that they weren't alone?  How many passed through my classroom doors without ever really knowing me?  How many more could I have helped?

I will have to live with my past silence, but my present and my future will be open and honest so this never happens again.  Tough lesson to learn.